Stupid Human Tricks Korean Style

This is without a doubt the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. So the theory is that if you sleep with a fan on at night, you die. I have seen varying theories, on the korean news no less, on why this happens. My personal favorite is that the fan splits the air molecules apart and you suffocate. Every summer there is the invariable tally of fan deaths on the news. I say if thats they're line of thinking I have a theory to submit. I think if they're suffocating at night in the summer its more likely the mixing aromas of kim chee and hot feces from the (sometimes) open sewer system. Or perhaps its because they're so upset over the fact they have no concept of a line. And if you think i'm full of shit on this here's an exerpt from the July 28, 1997, edition of the Korea Herald:

"The heat wave which has encompassed Korea for about a week, has generated various heat-related accidents and deaths. At least 10 people died from the effects of electric fans which can remove oxygen from the air and lower body temperatures. . . .

On Friday in eastern Seoul, a 16-year-old girl died from suffocation after she fell asleep in her room with an electric fan in motion. The death toll from fan-related incidents reached 10 during the past week. Medical experts say that this type of death occurs when one is exposed to electric fan breezes for long hours in a sealed area. "Excessive exposure to such a condition lowers one's temperature and hampers blood circulation. And it eventually leads to the paralysis of heart and lungs," says a medical expert.

"To prevent such an accident, one should keep the windows open and not expose oneself directly to fan air," he advised."

And now you're thinking "Holy Shit, thats the dumbest fucking thing i've ever heard in my life!" See, I told you.

So one time a group of us decided to go fishing over here. They have these small manmade ponds that you pay 20 bucks to go fishing and you can take home 5 trout. Not too exciting they have chairs set up all around the pond, pretty soon after you cast your line out you have a fish—well if you don’t have the luck of the Mather that is! So we are sitting there having some beer and a good time when we hear a couple of Koreans start arguing. They are fighting over a fishing spot. This is pretty amusing since the pond is 300x300 feet at the most. So they younger kid gets a little pushy, next thing you know old adashi has him by the neck, while the guy is flopping around like one of the fish my friends had caught. Then, the guys drops to the ground passed out cold! Old adahsi walks away, and less then a minute after he turns around the younger guy gets up and starts cursing again. This goes on for a while longer until the owner comes over and kicks the younger guy out and then all is merry on the puddle once more.

Ok raising the stupidity factor a little we have the complete lack of child safety seats, or with a vast majority of Koreans seatbelt use. It seems Koreans like to let the kids use the min van as a mobile playpen while they fly down the road, run red lights, and ignore the 4 way stop rules, all while the kids are bouncing from one side of the van to the other like the damn ball in pong. Call me crazy, but perhaps we just have some kind of crazy culture going on in the US where we like to protect the kids from becoming projectiles.

Ok someone was giving me some crap that we should write about the good things here in Korea, so if you want I added another blog called Beautiful Korea. If you look on the right side you will see it. You can register yourself and I will then give you permission to post. Remember things that happen that are ignorant, dumb, and just outright wrong go on the Stupid Human Tricks Korean Style. All the love korea land of the mighty kimchi goes on the beautiful korea blog.

First off I have discovered the figures in my last post DO NOT INCLUDE MOPED FATALITIES. That bears repeating if you have ever been here. The figures above DO NOT INCLUDE MOPED FATALITIES. And second all the little bastards that ride these things around korea deserve to be run over by shitty korean drivers. You thought the cars don’t obey traffic laws? HAHAHAHAHAHA…these fuckers don’t even stop for red lights. In fact they barely slow down. And while you might be safe from (most) cars on the sidewalk, you will most likely be run down by a moped at some point. They don’t care…its more your fault for being a stupid, fat, lazy, McDonalds eating, gas guzzling, baby seal clubbing, non-dog meat eating, iraq invading, round eye fuck if you don’t get out of their way. The best course of action is to simply kick them over when then go by you. Its awfully amusing and will brighten your stay significantly.

Come and listen to a story about a man named Kim
A poor adashi, barely kept his family fed
Then one day he was looking at the road
And he pushed out his son and made a pile of dough

American money that is, Benjamins, Texas green

Well the first thing you know old Kims a millionaire
Kinfolk said give some money here
Said split the money up or we’ll tell the authoritays
So Kim pilled up the dough and split with da family

Other Kims that is
Bon-Hwa, Chul

So they have this fancy thing over here in korea called a four way stop. You would think it is the same as the states. When you arrive first at the four way you go, if you arrive at the same time the person on the right goes. Oh no not in Korea. It’s who ever has the biggest vehicle or the most balls that goes first. So if you come over and you attempt to wait your proper turn, you could be there all damn day! Remember before you go for a ride to have your insurance up to date, and polish up those balls of steel. A recommendation for you would be to always let the cement truck go first.

Let my start off by giving you a statistic: The death rate per 100k vehicles in korea is 80.33. In the US it is 19.97. So the Koreans traffic death rate 4 times the US in a country the size of Indiana. And these stats are from 1998!! I'm willing to bet its alot higher than that now. So let me put that in laymans terms. Koreans cant f*cking drive and kill each other...alot. As (most likely) a pedestrial for most of your time in the country, before you leave, go to a lawyer and make out a will. As a pedestrian you have all sorts of death machines crossing your path all the time. For every car that goes past you theres a 1 in 1244 chance that they have killed someone. And trust me, there's a sh*tload of cars in Seoul. There's 15 f*cking million people in this city and i swear to god every one of them has a car...so think about that next time you step off the curb to cross the street in Seoul. Which by the way no one will stop for you if you just stand there, you have to physically step in front of the car for them to stop. See how this works? Hope you've planned for little Timmy's future without daddy or mommy...

Addendum: I have just discovered the stats on pedestrian fatalities in Korea for 1998. you’ll love this…There were 4901 pedestrian deaths in 1998. By comparison there were only 5307 in the entire US that year. Which works out to a death rate per million people of 108 in Korea, and 20 per million in the US. Told you they suck…

Another fine police story from the ROK. I heard it second hand from a friend of mine and thought it was pretty funny. So this guy goes on vacation only to come back and find his Pontiac gone. Well some adashi in the local area stole it switched the plates and was driving it around. Well the guy found out who it was and called the cops, but decided he was going to go over there and give adashi a good old fashion American ass kicking. When this guy arrived at the house the cops were already there and they had adashi down on the ground beating his ass Rodney King style. He was getting his ass beat so bad, the American just left because he felt sorry for the guy.

There isnt one, so dont f*cking bother. Walk to the front of any mass/line you think you are waiting in, and kick the nearest 3 people in the balls/pussy. As they roll on the ground in pain and everyone backs away from you, you will be able to accomplish whatever you were waiting in line to do in the first place, i.e. get a taxi or a movie ticket. And dont worry about kicking a women. Korean husbands/boyfriends beat their women far more than you ever will. See how simple that is? You are now well on your way to be a sucessful Korea resident.

So two days ago, for the second time in 3 months I got the mirror kicked off my car right in front of my house. No big deal, it only costs $130 a pop to fix the damn thing. Yesterday I went around with one of the other 9 people in the neighborhood that had their cars damaged to try to get the police to do something about the situation. After 2 police stations and adashi (Korean guy for you state side folks) yelling like hell at the police and dishing out a few ship seaki(F*** yous), we got nowhere. They caught the guy but said they were only concerned with the people that got things stolen from their cars not the cars that got vandalized, so they told us to drop off statements after 7pm the next day at the police station. I hopped in my car around 7pm today and headed down there to drop off my statement and they just blew me off, once again f***ed because I’m the American. So if you ever need any help from the police in Korea F***ING FORGET ABOUT IT, unless you hit someone and they try and talk you into signing a statement that you can’t read. The cops over here can do a great job trying to get you sign one of those, or changing your statement after you’ve made it. So save up your cash because you never know when you will need it to bribe the local authorities. Oh the other rip off twist on the story—I went to a body repair shop to get a written estimate for the police station and after about 45 minutes one got printed out, then they told me they wanted 20 bucks for the estimate. I told the bastard to get bent and left, another example of same damn adashi trying to make a quick buck off of an American. That’s the latest from the Land of the Morning Smog.

well dave sent me an article so i went a did a little research at the korea times and found these

article 1
article 2

i have done all the necessary calculations and have proof that if the south koreans pack a warhead with concentrated kimchi and detonate it in the upper atmosphere it will create world peace and a gentle state of euphoria in everyone...However, this device can also be used as a chemical weapon, since a ground detonation will cause anal leakage in all life within the effect area as well as alter a targets' DNA to resemble that of the annoying flower lady that wanders the Osan bars. Can you imagine an army of those bitches? you'd be invincible..."FLOWA?"

Near the beginning of fall you can observe the native Koreans of the area going crazy trying to collect up nuts from the trees on base. You’ll see them out there beating the trees to get them to fall, pulling large sticks out of their cars to wack them out of the trees, and my favorite is when they try to collect the nuts from near the transformers. You know the ones with the big sign that says, DANGER HIGH VOLTAGE. Well I think they see that as a challenge, because they will get long sticks, and use those to scrape the nuts out from under the safety fence. I don’t know about you, but I think a few bucks and the local store is a safer bet, but maybe being that close to the juice adds flavor to the nuts.

Let me preface this section with a story of more Korean dumb-f***ery. So last week the parents of a 4 month old baby decided they wanted to go play World of Warcraft at the local PC room down the street. Being the lazy f***s they were, they decided not to leave the baby with their mother in law, who lived UPSTAIRS from them. Yep, ONE flight up. Remember this because its important. So 8 hours later, after “losing track of time”, they claim, they come home to find their 4 month old laying face down dead on the floor after having suffocated. Well not to be callous but what the f*** did you expect? Her to walk the dog? Do the dishes perhaps? All 4 month olds know how to do is shit, eat, and kill themselves. Hello?!? Did you not read Dr. Spock’s baby books? Jesus Christ…Anyway, with that out of the way, there are no less than 2 channels on Korean TV that show nothing but people playing computer games. While amusing for perhaps 3 seconds, these stations are on 24 hours a f***ing day. Are you that lazy that you’re going to sit there and watch someone else play a video game? Go to the local PC room and play it for your f***ing lazy ass self…oh wait…

well i have posted part 1 of the korea rant...more to follow of course :)

Sometimes Koreans are a lot like our woodland friends back home. They like to follow along the established trail. So when a good snowstorm happens Koreans will leave the sidewalks and herd up to follow the trail created by car tires in the snow. So instead of getting their feet a little wet they have the good chance of getting hit by a car in low visibility conditions, but that doesn’t matter because it comes back to the path or least resistance and self-gratification.

The number one stupid human trick that I have seen since I've been here is Korean Frogger. This is when a Korean attempts to make it across a 6 lane or larger road without a cross walk (which is a hundred feet down the street, but self gratification keeps them from the walk that kills them). You remember frogger you try and leap from one moving car to another to get across the road. Koreans like to try and accomplish the same thing but losing the game is much worse. I've personally got one and in the same spot many others have been hit. So the government finally came along and put up a 4-foot high rail in the middle of the road, you think this would stop them, but no it just adds to the game. You can usually see someone climbing over about once a week. Oh and no matter if they jump in front of your car, fall out of the sky on to your car, or get beamed up in front of your car, IT IS YOUR FAULT. It is never the pedestrian’s fault in Korea. This means that you can pay from about 10 grand or higher in fines and the family gets a significant amount of money from your insurance company. So if your coming over to the ROK for a visit drive carefully because you never know if you could be the next money pot for a family.